Sunday, December 9, 2007

Sexionary terms in alphabetical order

Here are the sexionary terms in alphabetical order, along with an explanation of the term where applicable.

A big date with Rosy Palms - male masturbation
Acting like Hand Solo - male masturbation (Star Wars reference)
AD/DC
- Bisexual
Ambidextrous - Bisexual
Anal assailant
- anal sex
Auditioning the finger puppets - male masturbation
Bashing the Bishop - male masturbation
Battered Flaps - Female Genitals
Bearded clam
- woman's lower treasure
Beef curtains - female genitals
Being a virtuoso of the skin flute - male masturbation
Being your own best friend - male masturbation
Bloomers - Pants/Knickers
Blowing the load
- male masturbation
Blowing your own horn - male masturbation
Blue veined hooligan - a six-inch tall, one eyed skin-head
Bockers - Pants/Knickers
Boxing the bald champ - male masturbation
Box Lunch at the Y - Giving Oral Sex to a woman
Breeches - Pants/Knickers
Briefs
- Pants/Knickers
Budgie's tongue
- Descriptive of the female erectile bit
Buffing the banana - male masturbation
Burp the worm
- male masturbation
Buttering the corn - male masturbation
Butterin' the muffin
- female masturbation
Carpet Munching
- Giving Oral Sex to a woman
Charming the snake - male masturbation
Chew the Root - Giving Oral Sex to a man
Choking Kojak - male masturbation
Chuff muncher
- a woman in comfortable shoes
Circling the knoll - female masturbation
Cliterature
- one handed reading matter
Cough your filthy yoghurt - a romantic expression for ejaculation
Cutting a loaf - turds!!!
Digging for keys - female masturbation
Drawers
- Pants/Knickers
Drown some kittens - To pass a litter of small turds
Dung dungeon plunging - anal sex
Eating the cat
- Obviously Alan enjoys giving his partner night time treats:)
Equipment - male genitals
Excalibur - A magic turd of legendary proportions that rises eerily out of the water of a mist shrouded toilet
Exploring the Grand Canyon - oral sex performed on a woman
Feeding the pony - One handed groping of a lady's toothless gibbon
Five pinter - an ugly bird who you'd only chat up after 5 pints
Fizzy gravy - diahorrea
Flicking the bean - female masturbation
Free the tadpoles - to have a tug
Fudge Packing - anal sex
Fuzzy flounder - female genitals
Genie rub - to buff up a skin lantern until you are granted three sticky wishes
Greedy - Bisexual
Greyhound
- a very short skirt (ie "one inch from the hare")
Go up the old dirt road - anal sex
Haddock pastie - female genitals
Hand-to-gland combat - a three minute one man bout of gladitorial combat involving a spam javelin
Ham-on-ham - the delightful sight of two young ladies going at it hammer and tongues
Hang your hole - to moon
Harbour-master - one who has piloted a few tugboats in his time
Horizontal jogging - sexual intercourse
How’s-yer-father - sexual intercourse
Indescribables - Pants/Knickers
Jelly jewellery - the earings, nose-studs, fancy spectacle and other facial adornments a woman sometimes receives when her partner had intended to give her a pearl necklace
Keks - Pants/Knickers
Knickerbockers
- Pants/Knickers
Knickers
- Pants/Knickers
Left handed
batsman
- someone who prefers his balls delivered from the pavilion end
Left-handed website - an Internet website which causes visitors to use their mouse with the left hand
Looking for your dog - female masturbation (Gee, Spot, there you are!)
Loose-lips - affectionate term for a woman who has been cocked more times than Davy Crockett's rifle
Lunchbox - male genitals
Making the beast with two backs - sex
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat - female masturbation
Marriage gear
- male genitals
Mary Macha- Spanish term for Lesbian
Meat and two veg - male genitals
Meat Curtains - Female Genitals
Mexican lipstick - the embarrassing facial tide marks found after eating out with a lady who is up on blocks
Nether garments - Pants/Knickers
Night watchman - a turd that has failed to flush away, not discovered until the next morning
One eyed wonder worm - male genitals
Oyster Jouster - Heterosexual
Pace car - the slow un-aerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped up bastards behind it to put their foot down
Packet - male genitals
Pantalettes - Pants/Knickers
Pantaloons
- Pants/Knickers
Panties
- Pants/Knickers
Pants
- Pants/Knickers
Parking the beef bus in tunatown
- sex
Passion killers - Pants/Knickers
Pensioners leg
- a thin, knobbly, veiny penis
Petting the one-eyed goo gopher - male masturbation
Pie-liner - a Femidom
Playing solitare - female masturbation
Playing with the Wookie
- male masturbation (Star Wars reference)
Polishing the wedding ring - female masturbation
Polish the bishop - male masturbation
Potting the brown - anal sex
Producing hormones - female masturbation (whore moans, get it?)
Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger - male genitals
Purple helmeted Spartan - male genitalia
Release the chocolate hostage - to Liberate a "Richard the Third" after his imprisonment in your back porch
Riding the Hershey Highway - anal sex
Rolling the dough - female masturbation
Rusty water - diahorrea
Sixty-eight - oral sex given on the understanding that the favour will be returned ("Ere, give us a sixty eight, and I'll owe you one")
Sausage Jockey - Gay Man
Scanties - Pants/Knickers
Small Clothes - Pants/Knickers
Smalls
- Pants/Knickers
Split the beard - part the whiskers, shag a bird
Starfish trooper - an "arsetronaught"
Step-ins - Pants/Knickers
Strumming the banjo
- female masturbation
Switch hitter - bi-sexual
Taking matters into you own hands - male/female masturbation
Tapping the keyster keg - anal sex
Testing the springs - sexual intercourse
The two fingered tango
- female masturbation
Thick repeater - a large-bore semi-automatic, single barrel mutton musket, male genitals
Thunderbird - a fat woman
Tickling the taco
- female masturbation
Treading water - light strumming on the banjo in order to keep ones interest up during the dull plot bits in a grumbleflick
Trollies - Pants/Knickers
Tubby chaser - a man who thinks thunderbirds are go
Turd Burglar - Male participating in anal sex
Turkey - the cracker you think you have pulled at the office Christmas party, who turn out to be a tough old bird who only gets stuffed once a year
Undercrackers - Pants/Knickers
Undergarments
- Pants/Knickers
Underpants
- Pants/Knickers
Underwear
- Pants/Knickers
Undies
- Pants/Knickers
Undispensables
- Pants/Knickers
Unmentionables
- Pants/Knickers
Unwhisperables
- Pants/Knickers
Up on blocks
- a woman with a monthly MOT failure due to a recurring leak under the beetle bonnet
Wizard's sleeve - A particularly capacious sausage wallet. As in "I can"t feel a thing in here. You must have a fanny like a wizard's sleeve."
Wobbly landing - Trying when drunk to maneuver your underinflated zipper zeppelin into your bird's hairy hanger

Another load of terms relating to the male pastime of self pleasure. They've cum from various guys from around the world, check them out below:

Masturbation for him...
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Cleaning your rifle
Climbing Mount Baldy
Clobbering the Kleenex
Closet Frisbee
Coming into your own
Coming to grips with yourself
Defrosting the fridge
Doin' The Solitary Rhumba
Doing handiwork
Doing It Your Way Engaging in safe sex
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of its denim cell
Faxing Jimmy Dean
Fishing for zipper trout
Flaying the Emperor
Fly fishing
Freeing Willy
Getting a grip on things
Giving yourself a low five
Going blind
Hand Solo

Please keep them coming, and more from the UK please, and other parts of the world. How about some terms from downunder guys and girls?

Top 5 tips to improve your sex in bed

If nocturnal naughtiness has lost its thrill, fear not. With this top 5 tips, you could soon be hitting the high notes again.

Tip 1
Never make bad sex worse by ignoring it. Discuss the matter with your partner, read self-help books and swop your Saturday night video for an instructional video. Be determined to overcome your difficulties and you will.

Tip 2
Stop repeating yourself. During the next session make a deal with your man that neither of you are allowed to repeat moves from your previous coupling.

Should either of you fail to comply, you should be subject to an arduous dishwashing forfeit. This task will elevate you from a rut and prevent you from using the sexual shortcuts we all fall back on with long-term partners.

Tip 3
Have an early night. Men's testosterone levels fall by up to 25% late at night leaving them hormonally haggard and good for little more than the roll-on roll-off experience.

Tip 4
Give him what he wants. According to a recent survey in Stuff Magazine, the majority of men prefer canine positions, so let him take a back seat. Fuel is to a car what ego is to a man.

So tell him he's the best you've ever had and you'll inject his performance with a bit of much needed horse power.

Tip 5
Increase your sex quota. Sometimes it's quantity not quality that counts and multiplying your coitus has many benefits. Research shows that not only can regular romps help safeguard the heart, cure headaches and even keep you looking younger, it also preserves the pubococcygeal (PC) muscle.

This will result in increased stimulation for him and, more importantly, bigger and better orgasms for you.

Spice up your holiday sex life

Half of women taking a holiday abroad admit they enjoyed a one-night stand. It seems the sun makes passions run high. So to help you girls out, our Sarah has some hot summer tips for your own steamy sessions under the sun.

Oil slick
Increase those passions by using your own body to apply the tanning lotion. Simply drip a generous serving of oil over your man's legs and torso, then slide your body over his until you're satisfied he's completely covered, and completely satisfied.

Follow the American example and have fun with the new-found maneuverability that being well oiled provides. But be prepared for some phenomenal, and somewhat off-putting squelching sounds!

Bikini bondage
Use your bikini top to bind his hands then tie his feet with your briefs, rendering him helpless against your seduction. If you're feeling self-conscious, a sarong also doubles as a comfortable blindfold and in the absence of sight his remaining senses will be heightened.

Camera action
While you have your lover tied and bound you may wish to take a few holiday snap shots of him in all his glory. Let's face it, there's nothing he can do to stop you. Take a Polaroid or camcorder, as some high street processors will not process racy pictures.

Frolics afloat
The benefit of sex in water is that both participants become virtually weightless, making those more advanced Kama Sutra positions possible. The problem is that condoms are extremely difficult to put on under water.

However, protection should not be sacrificed, especially with new partners on holiday. Make sure your dish dons his rubber above water level before you both float off into oblivion.

Retifism: shoe fetishists are often the easiest to please

Girls, if your man can't get off unless you wear stilettos, you'd be safe in assuming he has a shoe fetish, otherwise known as Retifism.

An Italian academic journal tells the story of a man who could reach orgasm just by following ladies whose shoes creaked!

According to his doctor, the fetish arose from associating the sounds with those he'd heard as a child when he witnessed a couple having sex on a staircase.

In the 1800's ladies' boots were seen as underwear when skirts were worn full-length, and a flash of them was enough to perk up and cad's pecker.

Shoes lined with fur or pom-poms are seen to represent the female nether regions, a fact played upon in the tale of Cinderella. But due to an error in the transcription we're given the description "de verre" (of glass), when it was actually "de vair" (of fur) and, of course, the act of pushing the foot into the shoe has obvious sexual connotations in itself.

While it is understandable why guys find footwear so appealing, if your fella insists you wear certain shoes, you could begin to think it's the shoe, rather than the person within them that he's making love to. If this is the case girls, tell him.

In truth though, foot fetishists are often the easiest to please. More demanding would be the sneezing fetishist, and then there's the section of the population who would do anything for dental braces!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Sexercise: Stomach, Thighs, Bottom, Arms

The warmup
Chase each other around the house - then perform a 15 minute lap dance for your guy until your both hot and bothered.

The Stomach
Adopt the missionary position and have your man place his palms either side of you on the bed. Instruct him to raise his torso away from you by straightening his arms. Carry on with coitus in the usual fashion, keeping your knees bent and raise your own upper body to kiss his neck with each stroke.

If you feel your abdominal muscles contract, then its working. Repeat ten times, then relax for two strokes, by which time, with any luck, he'll already be finished!

Thighs
Assume the spoon position and slightly bend your supporting leg, then raise the other in time with each thrust. To increase resistance, ask your partner to push down on your thigh with his hand. Perform three sets of ten repetitions, then roll over and work the other leg.

The Bottom
Lay your man down on his back and straddle his pelvis. Though he may be tempted, entry is forbidden. All he should do is place his hands on your hips to provide some resistance.

It's then your job to slide up and down the length of his pelvic region using the power of your butt muscles alone. Repeat until he looks set to explode.

Arms
Finally sit in his lap and wrap your legs around his waist. Next lean back, supporting your weight with your arms. Once your sitting comfortably you may begin again.

Using your upper arms, slowly raise and lower your torso in time to the beautiful music you're making. Perform three sets of ten repetitions, but by this stage, I doubt your poor little fella will make it.

Cooling down
Though it's important to reduce the risk of injury with post-exercise stretching, some may prefer to perform breathing exercises: Lift cigarette to mouth, ignite,inhale and exhale. Repeat as necessary.

What women should never do in bed?

You may take the view that men are grateful for whatever bedspring action they get. Many are. But where connoisseurs are concerned, there are certain tricks they would rather a woman did not pull. So follow my advice and NEVER:

Aim to win an academy award
Acting, and indeed, over reacting in bed is transparent, even to men. Of course, sounding your sexual response can be a massive turn-on for your partner and a natural part of arousal for you, but as sex writer Al Needam says: "Putting on a performance will put your man off his."

Wear an old T-shirt
Comfortable just doesn't cut it with the sexual male, say Gerstman, Pizzo and Seldes, authors of What Men Want. "Wearing beautiful bedclothes shows you have a sexy quality that you yourself recognize and enjoy. It's an investment that will pay special dividends."

In short, to be the ultimate sex kitten, bin the Bon Jovi concert T-shirt from '87 and buy some negligees instead.

Discuss 'women's problems'
In Bali, menstruating women are exiled to huts outside the village compound because they are thought to be vulnerable to evil spirits.

"To many men that seems just about right," explains Mason, author of The Bluffers Guide to Men. "Men cannot bear to talk about menstruation. They don't even like to think about it." Like famine, poverty and the female G-spot, men know it exists, but rather it didn't.

Interfere with his refractory period
The refractory period is the duration of time after which a man has had an orgasm until the point he is physically ready to repeat the act.

Regardless of whether you're Pamela Anderson or Kelly Brook, tampering with male attachments during this spell will cause nothing more than pain, discomfort or irritation, so let that man be!

Top 5 sex myths exposed

1. Everyone is doing it 2.5 times a week.
Perpetrators: Your best friends who last had sex when Ginger was still a Spice Girl.
Except for the highly-sexed, most women's sexual habits vary according to their menstrual cycle, work load, stress levels and general health 0 not to mention the state of their relationship.

One week you could be having sex twice a night and the next taking nothing more exciting than a cup of cocoa to bed. Never feel you have to reach a quota, even if your friends say they do.

2. Men with big noses have big appendages.
Perpetrators: Barry Manilow.
Scientists have found no link between nose and penis size. The same goes for feet, hands, and ears - though there may be some correlation with ego.

In reality, a well-endowed man is likely to have inherited the trait. Other than tearing off his trousers, the only way you can estimate a man's statistics is to tear off his father's trousers - not a good idea when visiting his parents for the first time.

3. Your boyfriend doesn't masturbate.
Perpetrators: Your Boyfriend.
A friend recently told me that her man didn't indulge in self help. She said having found the woman of his dreams, he was no longer entertained by cheap erotica and his own fair hand. Oh, how I laughed.

Men, like women, masturbate. It's not a sin and while we're on the subject it won't make you go blind either. But if we condemn it, as my pal did, our partners are likely to conceal their indulgences.

4. Nice girls don't.
Perpetrators: Your parents.
Some nice girls do, some nice girls don't. Either way, a person should never be judged on their sexual habits as long as they're of legal age and don't hurt others - unless, of course, specifically requested to do so.

If you'd like to sleep with an entire football team (I'd recommend Manchester United) just make sure you're a responsible girl and use a condom.

5. Men aren't emotional.
Perpetrators: Women.
In a study of over 700 lovers, 20% of men had fallen in love before the fourth date compared to just 15% of women. After 20 dates, 45% of women were still unsure but only 30% of men.

Not only do women fall in love less easily, they are more likely to fall out of love. And when a relationship ends, men are more prone to depression and they are three times more likely to commit suicide.

Our guide to sex in the great outdoors

For some the allure of alfresco sex lies in the risk of exposure. Call me a prude, but the thought that a passer-by could stumble upon my hapless fumblings in the great outdoors makes me ill. Being arrested for lewd conduct doesn't do much for my constitution either.

Yet despite the dangers, the thrill of sex without a ceiling is too good to resist. Here are my top tips for getting frisky alfresco.

Do your homework
Arm yourself with a copy of the National Trust Countryside Handbook. You'll be tempted to select routes that lead you past romantic ruins and idyllic waterfalls. But be extra careful. The more attractions on your path the more likely you are to bump into a class of nine year olds on a field trip who really don't need a no holds barred biology lesson.

Aim high
City dwellers should survey their area for tall buildings. If rooftop access can be gained, arrange a rendezvous that will elevate your outdoor antics to dizzy heights.

Start your engines
If you really want to drive your man wild, seduce him on the bonnet of a car. Something red and sporty will visually match his mental fantasies. But if that isn't an entirely accurate description of your own motor, don't park your posterior on someone else's - you might activate the alarm!

Green fingers
It may not be the most exotic setting, but at least it's close to home. Yes, your garden is ideal for an impromptu get together and we're not talking barbecues.

Row the boat
Head to your nearest lake and hire a rowing boat. Equipped with a picnic blanket, hop aboard and sail to a secluded area of the water. Fashion your blanket into a mattress, get comfortable and then literally rock the boat.

Bring your senses to life in the bedroom

Sight
Next time you are at a bar and you see a bloke you fancy, look happy. He'll think you're worth knowing. When he approaches, don't invade his personal space.

Give him subtle messages, move your glass towards him, brush your arm against his. If his pupils dilate, you've pulled.

Taste
If you're not a walking snogfest, make the effort. The next time you see your fella, stop and stick the lips on him. Kiss him like you did the first time, when you were keen to impress your sexual prowess in the flick of a tongue. Make sure your smacker is sweet too. Sonntag recommends you chew watercress or parsley.

Smell
It takes a second to distinguish between the 10,000 scents we have memorized, making smell the quickest sense we have access to.

But as Sonntag says, it's a shame we rely on colognes and deodorants to disguise our natural scent as "however well suited to someone you feel yourself to be, only the scent of their skin and smell of their sweat will tell you the truth."

Touch
There's one simple way to increase his sense of touch and that's to blindfold him during lovemaking. The added advantage is that he can't see your fat, cellulite or stretch marks.

Introduce some props, let him guess what you're trailing across his body and use the anonymity to be adventurous as your heart or groin desires.

Hearing
In relationships "I hate you" usually means "I love you so much it hurts." Learn not just to hear, not even just to listen, but to read between the lines. Likewise, before you open your mouth, work out what you're trying to say, and make up in the bedroom.

As Sonntag says: "It's not the place for major revelations that will upset your partner." It happened to me, I've never been back to that bed since.

Essex lads tell of sex in strange places

There is a lot of hype surrounding the 'mile high club' which Sarah finds hard to understand.

After all, who finds the smell of stale urine and confined space a sexual turn on?

There was of course the couple last year, David Machin and Amanda Holt, who were caught groping each other in business class.

On the search for less expensive locations, our Sarah quizzed some Essex lads on their personal experiences. Sarah spoke to Mark - 22, a production manager, Richard - 23, an advertising production manager and Matthew - 26, a law costs draughtsman.

Q: Where have you most enjoyed having sex?
Mark: It was in a bed with lots of other people in the room asleep. The fact that any number of them could have caught us added to the intensity of it all. Another favourite is the shower - that's always a winner with me.

Q: Where's next on your venue menu?
Mark: I'd love to have sex on an apartment rooftop on a summer night with the city buzzing below.

Q: How could a woman improve on more humble surroundings?
Mark: I hate clutter in any woman's room. It has to have minimal decor to avoid distractions. A big armchair or rocking chair is always good for a change of position. In the best room I ever had, there was a huge four-poster bed and we could see our reflection in a mirrored wardrobe.

Q: Where's the strangest place you've had sex?
Matthew: In a tent at the V99 festival without a ground sheet. It was great. We were covered in mud and there were some top tunes playing.

Q: Would it liven things up if your woman had a sheepskin rug at home?
Matthew: When a girl invites me back to her bedroom I don't usually concentrate on the surroundings! Come on, you don't look at the mantlepiece when you're stoking a lady's fire, do you?

Q: Have you ever encountered a sexual venue that you wouldn't recommend?
Richard: The back of my ex-girlfirend's Nissan Micra. It was very cramped.

Q: Where would you prefer sex?
Richard: At the top of the Eiffel Tower, in the little glass room.

Q: Would you consider going alfresco?
Richard: I'm definitely an outdoors man, but it would have to be warm as nakedness is essential. The added excitement of getting rumbled would certainly help as would a breathtaking view. But most importantly, the woman shouldn't tell me exactly what she wants.

What do men really think about one night stands?

If the historians are to be believed, then Cleopatra's subjects were once offered the chance of a one night stand with the lusty queen herself. The man who was brave enough to accept the offer, would be rewarded the morning after by his head being removed!

At least it's not that bad today! However, Sarah wanted to track down three suitable guys to find out their thoughts on one night stands. Speaking to Sarah are: Craig Bottomly, 29 and engaged, a printer from Shrewsbury. Iain Robinson, 27 and single, a record company worker from Watford. David Magana, 21 and single, a student from Ealing, West London.

Q: How do you make a dignified departure the morning after?
Craig: By ending up washing my bedsheets at her house.

Q: Where do you find your partners?
Craig: One of my most bizarre introductions was via a blind date. All groomed and with a nice clean car, I went to collect the women in question. But when I arrived her younger sister told me she'd gone of to see her ex-boyfriend.

With my ego somewhat deflated the sister asked me if I'd like to stay for a drink. I was pleasantly surprised when the drink turned out to include breakfast the following morning.

Q: Is sex with a long-term partner better than a one night stand?
Craig: With long-term relationships you tend to be more understanding and you know what you can and can't do. One night stands are completely different because there's a lot less respect involved. Personally, I love sex no matter what the circumstances.

Q: Would you be happy is your Ms Right had plenty of practice?
Iain: It shouldn't make a difference as it's the 21st Century. But for women, I think three or four one night stands per life time is just about acceptable.

Q: How many one night stands have you had?
Iain: About 20-25 so far...

Q: What about those one night stands you'd rather forget?
Iain: I once had a student take me back to her halls of residence. Even though she knew I was in a relationship, she scratched my back so much it bled. Then I had to make a sharp exit because her boyfriend (who was apparently on the rugby team) came knocking on the door. Later that night I had to face my girlfriend.

Q: What advice would you give our female readers?
Iain: There's no point in women being shy. And, where one night stands are concerned, the filthier you can be the better.

Q: Where do you find your partners?
David: One was a Japanese student at a party. She gave me a ride home and we ended up having great sex for hours.

When I woke up, she was gone and had left a note saying I'd shown her a great time. She was going back to Japan so there was no guilt, just good memories.

Q: How many one night stands have you had?
David: I've only had six, some I'll remember for along time, others I hope to forget but they're all good experiences. I look at this way, I want to practice my skills so one day when I catch Ms Right I'll be able to satisfy her in the deepest way..

Q: What advice would you give our female readers?
David: The best times I've had during sex were when the woman was loud and uninhibited. Who doesn't want to hear a lady scream "yes, yes"? It shows us we're doing a good job.

Female Libido: How often are you having it?

Forget all those surveys you read in those magazines saying that your life is over if your not having sex at least three times a day! After all, who is? Take Sarah for example, she says "With me, there's no exact figure - it varies from week to week and, dare I say it, some weeks I don't even do it at all."

You see you can make statistics say what ever you want them to say, but the best advice is to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and begin to appreciate yourself again. Don't take my word for it, here's one of Sarah's tips...

Love Yourself - lack of confidence and poor body image can seriously diminish your sex drive. It's essential you learn to think positively about yourself and your figure. Look at it this way: Your lover wants sex with you but you don't want sex with him. Surely he's the one who should be feeling insecure? In the meantime, go for a quick fix. Have your bikini line pruned regularly, soften your skin with body lotion and invest in lingerie that makes you feel sexy.

A lull in your sex life is not always due to your libido

The TV addict
Aim to have at least one night of no TV a week and set yourself a different sexual agenda each time. Start with a a meal of light aphrodisiacs such as asparagus tips dripping in melted butter, shellfish, and strawberries and cream. Feed each other, or serve the menu on each other's skin. Make it a night to remember and always try something new.

The mum
It may take a while after childbirth to get back into your sexual rhythm. Make sure your partner is aware of this and discuss the physical and mental changes you are both going through. New dads can sometimes feel neglected and this may turn into jealousy or resentment.

To help yourselves, send your child to a family member or babysitter for the evening and then spend a night at home together. Use this time to fulfill your partners wildest fantasies. If he likes red lipstick, wear it. Make him feel the enter of the universe for a few hours and he'll be much more responsive in all areas of your life together.

The career girl
Your report is overdue, your boss is a bitch and your computer won't stop crashing. When you come home, you expect your partner to look outraged in all the right places while you recount your colleagues' incompetence's! Sorry love, but he won't be interested. Next time you take home a pile of paperwork, he'd prefer it was a collection of your photocopied body parts.

If your that stressed, lash it out in the bedroom. People with high powered jobs like to relinquish responsibility and take a sexually submissive role at home. While those who have no say at work might like to be domineering in the comfort of their own thigh-high boots.

If these ideas do not work, spend an hour in the gym after work, this will vent frustrations and boost energy levels in the long term.

The Art Of The One Night Stand

Don't be offended by chat-up lines, however bad they are. They're a distillation of at least ten minutes intense thinking about you condensed into a soundbite, and naturally something gets lost in the translation. For example, "You, O woman, are the very epitome of feminine majesty. Let me wither in your genius" can end up as "Cor! I can see your nipples through that top".

Feel free to discuss aspects of your life with us, but try to avoid the following: the sexual techniques of lovers past, any ailments picked up from said lovers, or the night you threw up in your pants and carried them home like a soggy handbag.

Similarly, don't be offended if we bang on about our exes. We're not making comparisons or dwelling on the past, just drawing your attention to the illustrious canon of womanhood that you, if you're lucky, will be joining before too long.

It's perfectly OK to have the first snog in full view of the rest of the room, but we'll promise not to give the thumbs-up to our mates if you don't either.

On the way home, it's perfectly acceptable to drag us into shop doorways for another snog, or even onto the floor, but please - not in the middle of main roads. This happened to me when I was at college and was nearly run over and accused of being a rapist by my English lecturer. Ah well, at least she gave us a lift home...

For one night stands, if at all possible, always take us back to yours, as we're far more forgiving about bean-encrusted plates and overflowing ashtrays. Oh, and an important rule of thumb - pants on the floor are acceptable, pants stuck to the ceiling or walls less so.

If you have girly flatmates, by all means introduce them to us. But please refrain from leaving us stuck in your room while you and your friends drink more wine, decide to sing along to the entire first side of Abba's Greatest Hits Vol.2, and then pass out on the sofa - it's the height of bad manners and it tempts us into rifling through your knicker drawer.

If you're unsure about going through it, let us know - chances are we might be feeling the same way too. Having been raised on a diet of Carry On films and the On The Buses trilogy, we naturally expect something bad to happen, like the bed going through the floor into a nunnery or your lorry-driving husband suddenly returning home. Just let us know where we stand - saying that you're not looking for a relationship is fine by us (actually it'll make us try harder in an attempt to change your mind).

Avoid saying "Oh, you want to stay away from me, I'm so screwed up" - it makes us feel like we're taking advantage or you're going to stab us in the neck with a pair of scissors midway through the romp.

And if it's your time of the month, for God's sake tell us - I lost my virginity to one such lady, and when I awoke to find my sheets looking like a Bedouin tribe had ritually slaughtered a goat on them, I panicked and assumed this happened all the time.

If we leave the room at an intimate moment during the course of our one night stand, don't panic - it's just that the beer has caught up with us and we desperately need to fart.

When it's all over, part on good terms. Feel free to discuss the night with your friends, as long as you use the words "I screamed the house down", "I nearly choked" and "At it all night like a Panther of Love". Try not to say "HE screamed the house down", "Hung like a Chinese mouse" and "Two pumps and a squirt".

Oh, and don't expect us to wear your fluffy pink dressing gown in the morning. We refuse to succumb to your coffee advert fantasies...

Spontaneous Sex: Three Minute Hero

For years you've been told to perfect the art of foreplay guys, well I'm about to disappoint you all...

In truth, there are few things that turn a woman on more than a quickie. You see, some men just climb onboard and begin pumping away like a Texan oil well, and we women see the look of furrowed concentration on your face and don't have the heart to tell you the truth: that after the first ten minutes we've stopped thinking about sex and are planning new color schemes for the house!

It's not that we don't appreciate your sexual prowess, it's just that the urgency of a quickie is essential if you want to keep the fires of passion well stoked. A sex life without it can become as bland as porridge oats.

Another myth is that women want to come again and again. No. The clitoris, like the penis, can become highly sensitive, often to the point of pain, post-orgasm. So once is usually enough.

Have you got time for a quickie? Try these guaranteed routes to spontaneous combustion:


  1. She's put the dinner on. Approach from behind and take her by surprise.
  2. You're about to go out. She looks great. Throw her bag to the floor and take her up against the front door.
  3. Or if you don't have time, just have her when you get to the party.
  4. Can't wait to get home? Steam up the windows of a local phone box.
  5. When the alarm goes off, hit the snooze, stir into motion and aim to finish before it comes back on.

Shower sex: 'The Quickie'

You've been stuck in the office all day on a hot summers day. The air conditioning system has broken again, and your expecting your girlfriend round that night.

Don't panic, what better excuse to get together for a nice relaxing bath, or better still a steamy shower session.

Sarah guides us through the pitfalls of shower sex with a look at 'The Quickie'

Otherwise known as the spontaneous drag-her-into-the-shower-shag. This vigorous, no-nonsense approach requires that you wait in the shower and grab your girl while she's busy cleaning her teeth one night. Don't give her a chance to remove her nightie. The wet fabric clinging to her skin will be an instant source of pleasure to you, and women are massively aroused when they have that effect on men.

In this case you're even allowed to skip the foreplay. If your shower attachment's secure enough, take her wrists and put that crappy Christmas soap-on-rope to good use. Just make sure she keeps her feet on the ground.

How to pick up the girl of your dreams?

So you think you can pull at the pub or club?
You might be gods gift to women in your eyes, but just in case you really do need some advice on how to pick up the girl of your dreams, then our Sarah has some advice. You can read all seven pages of this in this months Maxim magazine, but as usual, we have a sneak peak at what Sarah suggests...

Green for go:
If she's looking directly at you, you're either a freak or she likes you (or she likes freaks). Look back. If she holds your gaze, take it as a green light.

Now, show you're a man of action and look again with confidence. If she looks away, that's amber. Wait for a few more glances, that's definitely green. Now mirror, signal, manoeuvre...

Give her room:
Don't stick to her side all night like a limpet. Women, like animals, smell desperation. Even if things are going well, pop off for a private sharpener with your pals now and again.

You'll get to drink more and it will add an air of mystery to the proceedings. And if she's watching you, there's one golden rule: laugh. Happy people are attractive, regardless of how much hair/fat/money they have.

Confess:
Girls, old women that they are, love other people's secrets. You just have to look at Jerry Springer's ratings to confirm that one. Begin any sentence with 'I really shouldn't be telling you this...' and you've got her hooked. But try not to disappoint her with the payoff.

Make it up if you have to. Failing that, update your worst, most sordid sex tale (tip: amend it so that there is no mention of Japanese schoolgirl's knickers and that it was witnessed, not executed by you).

Mention her clothes:
Ladies spend a bloody fortune on them. If you don't notice them, you've had it. Simple stuff, like 'that's a nice dress' will reap ridiculously easy rewards. Talk is cheap, use it.

Stick with the safe bet:
If you're on to a winner with a 'nice, but her mate's better' don't try to swap. Both ladies will suss your transition, and both will go home. Unfortunately with each other, and not you.

Try the Ally McBeal test:
All women watch this pish. So put it to the test by asking your potential lady which character is her favourite - she'll pick the one she identifies with, and as for the evenings results...

Ally: There might be sex if you can bear to talk to her, about her, all night.

Renee: Expect vigorous intercourse at any moment.

Nell: You've got your work cut out, but she knows how to man-handle a one-night stand.

Georgia: She wants a husband, Run... NOW!

Elaine: The ugly girl's choice. Well done for lowering your standards. You're in :)

Ling: She's all gong and no dinner. Encouraging sounds, yes, but nothing to eat.

Telltale signs you've been watching porn flics too much...

When it comes to sex education us guys tend to follow by example. What better examples than from the huge variety of porn flics available today.

But hang on! Our Sarah has been looking into this very subject, and has come up with sound advice. Her advice covers both health issues for your partner, and of course safety reasons for you guys.

Access all areas
Most films these days tend to have a three-on-one scene. Now unless you invite the local darts team home for the evening, to share in your bounty, this is an ambitious feat to take on with battery-powered aid.

It can be painful for the lady on the receiving end, or ends, and the concentration it requires from her not to bite off your manhood while dealing with a double intrusion elsewhere somewhat dilutes the effect.

It's far more intimate to be a multi-tasking one man band. Master the art of kissing passionately while making love. If she so desire's, a little finger can be used to stimulate the other areas.

Men with Mustaches get laid
Yeah right!!!

No jacket required
Sexually transmitted disease's are an occupational hazard for porn stars. Likewise, if you tend to follow by example and insist on riding bareback beware... The classic porn move of potting the brown and then the pink can develop a nasty infection. So protect yourself and wear latex.

Three's company
An all time favourite among you guys. Sandwiching, spit roasts, girl-on-girl action in your very own bedroom, ahh... the joys of threesomes.

Jealousy, break-ups and the girlfriend realizing she's actually a lesbian, oh! the realities of threesomes.

Couples have to be either very strong emotionally or complacent about each other to survive the test of a threesome. Remember though, with two women the guys gets left out, one woman and two men, you only get 50% of the sex. Like you need the ration.

Now throw away those porn flics (or at least hide them for now) and check out what Sarah has found so you can view with your partner, and hopefully both get in the mood.

So you want to watch a 'sexy' film with the missus, without it being hard porn. Why not pop down to your local video store and rent out one of the following films, hand picked by our Sarah.

Watch them together and you'll both be in the mood to maybe recreated some classic scenes...

9 1/2 Weeks
Kim Basinger is wet, in lingerie, dancing sexily and playing with ice cubes. Co star Mickey Rourke empties the contents of the fridge over Basinger. Key moments to watch out for, or even fast forward to...

Ice cubes (27 mins), wet, lingerie, etc (71 mins), striptease (79 mins).

Bound
Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon are a breath of fresh air in this steamy affair. A lesbian couple who actually 'do' things. Sex isn't just about penetration as these two lovely's will prove. Key moments...

The uncut version has some great shots (19 mins).

Disclosure
Could you resist a boss as good looking as Demi Moore. Micheal Douglas is lured into a compromising position by Moore. With some great impromptu sex in the office, this is a sure fire hit with the fairer sex. Key moments...

Moore seducing Douglas (28 mins)

Betty Blue
It's hard to see how they managed to get so much sex, nudity, grunting and sweaty bodies into the first few moments of a film, but the first 10 minutes of this hot classic shows you why the French are so good at it. Key moments...

Just start the video sit back and enjoy :)

Now on the other hand, if you really want your missus to be in the mood for some late night fun, Sarah has picked out the top four films that you should NOT watch with your loved one.

In fact you might want to miss these all together yourself, even in the missus is not in the house, you'll understand by the time you see the last one :)

Puttin' it Up Where it Don't Belong
Beautiful women (OK so far!) with strap-on extensions (nothing wrong with that) having anal sex (pretty much as god intended) - with men..... NO!

The Houston 500
A classy! film in which 'adult entertainment megastar' Houston has sex with 620 men. It was meant to be 500, but hey! this is porn not mathematics! Probably not much fun for Mr Houston either :(

Saturday Night Beaver
Starring John Holmes. Guys... that's John '12 1/2 inches' Holmes. To put it another way... John 'why isn't your penis that big darling?' Holmes. Or another way maybe... John 'why are you turning off the porn, honey?' Holmes.

John Wayne Bobbit Uncut
Porny biopic of the man whose wife removed his manhood after repeated marital infidelity. DO NOT, under any circumstances, let your partner see this one!

One Night Stands Do's and Don'ts

DO:
Stick to the truth. If you tell her you'd love to see more of her but you're moving to Hong Kong next week, then she sees you propping up the bar at your local a month later, you'll be wearing your pint instead of drinking it.

DON'T:
Apologize. Nothing looks worse than a shame-faced man reverting to the "sorry, we shouldn't have done that, I've got a girlfriend" speech. It's your guilt, deal with it alone.

DO:
Light her cigarette before you roll over and fall asleep.

DON'T:
Declare undying love for her after one night. Be cool and ambiguous until you know how she feels.

There are times of course when the other partner in a one night stand is not actually a stranger you met down at the local, but a good friend or colleague of yours, even the ex can be a good lay on a one night stand! Well to make sure you come away smelling of roses, Sarah has advice for all three scenarios, you'll need to get the magazine below to read them all. Here's her views on a friend of a friend though...

When your one night stand is a friend of a friend, perform like you've never performed before. We're talking Herculean feats of sexual prowess - lots of foreplay, cramp-inducing positions and all the right noises. As you both move in the same social circles the chances are she'll put out a report on you. You need to make sure that when you walk into the bar all the girls are eyeing you with barely disguised lust, not sniggering and calling you Mr. Floppy.

There's more than just the bedroom you know...

From the results of our recent survey, it seems that the bedroom is not high up on your choice of location to perform with your partner. A tropical beach rates high, but it could get pretty busy if we all decided to head off to one. So this month Sarah has come up with the A-Z of sensual locations to enjoy with your partner.

To give you just a taster, we have picked the letters of the alphabet that spell out the name of our favourite journo, so sit tight and enjoy :)

A is for Amphitheatre
You're average ancient Roman, when not sucking on a honey-dipped finch, knew how to life a toga. So the next time you're traveling the Empire, hire a moped and take a night-time excursion to the local amphitheatre.

To experience sex with full surround sound, check out El Djem in central Tunisia, the third largest amphitheatre in the world. Although we recommend you avoid disturbing local sensibilities by remaining fully clothed at all times.

D is for Dungeon
Try strap hanging. Not on the tube - although that's claustrophobic enough, but in your own dungeon. If you don't think spank paddles are canoeing accoutrements then book a trip to The House of Differences in San Francisco.

E is for Embankment
By night the walk along the banks of the River Thames is not only romantic but also lined with nooks and crannies so it's easy to guide your date into seclusion. Of course the truly adventurous lover sets his sights much higher - 450 feet higher to be precise.

Amorous couples have already applied to book The London Eye pods for private use at £275 for the 30 min trip, a fare normally shared by 23 others. But be warned: suspicious operators have switched on security cameras to prevent anyone joining the 'Eye High Club'.

H is for Hammock
Considering the trouble you can get in just attempting to seat yourself on one of these things, the hammock is perhaps not the easiest platform on which to perform. But if you fit your hammock so a lady can sit in the centre, level with your middle region, while you stand, you'll find a useful to-and-fro effect.

L is for Library
libraries and bookshop cafes have long been known for their cruising potential. There's seemingly something about quiet tormented librarians with their cardies and specs that causes impassioned readers to let their hair down and risk rather more than a 50p fine.

Private reading rooms in many libraries may provide an opportunity, but one source warns that 'fornication will result in the premature withdrawal of your reading room pass'. Tough measures indeed!

R is for Roller Coaster
'Rides like roller coasters and haunted houses give us a surge of adrenaline and endorphins which can make us feel more lusty' explains Dr Judy Kuriansky, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Dating. And while we don't expect you to indulge in full coitus in such testing circumstances, a little kissing and cuddling will go completely undetected on these darkened rides.

S is for Stairs
While half the population is working out how to indulge in an elevator, nip down and enjoy the privacy of the stairwell. A glorious activity best practiced with short attractive colleagues (pop her on the first step) during work hours.

Y is for Yacht
Budding seafarers can find out where to hire their love boat by calling the Royal Yachting Association. Cheeky blighters can nip down to their nearest jetty, jump aboard someone else's and hose down the poop deck!

Top 10 Oral Sex Do's and Don'ts

Getting your partner to 'come on down' is not easy.
Some of you may think there's nothing like a bad blow job. Wrong! For every traumatized man out there with teeth marks to prove it, Sarah can name a dozen women mentally scarred for life. These women can't even approach the cheese counter at their local supermarkets...

So to help you all out, our Sarah has come up with some do's and don'ts. Firstly the do's:

Get it right
Not all women are born with the ability to give head. It's a skill that's learnt with practice. Remember those guys, if you don't have the balls to tell us how you like it, we'll just do it the way our ex liked it. So unless you want another mans blow job, it's time to start communicating.

Show her you like it
Flatter her sexual ego and show your appreciation. Don't just lie back and think of England. Make some noise. If you're the strong but silent type, make sure you tell her how good she was after the act.

Then be a good boy. Smile, be a hopeless romantic and do some housework if she hit the right spot. Let her see your a changed man after you've had the right treatment :)

Saucy now!
After eating your meat and to veg served on the same old plate every day, she's bored senseless. In which case it's time to spice up things with a small dollop of dressing in your downstairs kitchen. For the woman with a sweet tooth, try some honey, chocolate, or even some sherbet.

Some things will seriously reduce your chances of ever being on the receiving end again, so here is Sarah's top 10 don't list:

  1. Exploding in her mouth without permission.
  2. Not exploding at all.
  3. Falling asleep before she's finished.
  4. Falling asleep before she's started.
  5. Patting her on the head and saying, 'Good girl.'
  6. Never returning the favour.
  7. Thrusting until she gags.
  8. Saying, 'But my last girlfriend.'
  9. Having something monstrous down there.
  10. Having something monstrous under there!

Do you know the rules to enticing a lady back to yours?

'If, at a party, you go for a perfect girl, you'll be competing with every other guy there,' says Barry Dutter, author of The Shy Guy's Guide To Dating. For an easier life, he advocates making advances towards the - how shall we put this? - less pulchritudinous (look it up!) lady. Or, as Grandpa Simpson has it, 'Go for the bruised fruit.'

But what if you're not prepared to lower your standards? 'The girl who looks like she's having a miserable time is also a golden opportunity,' claims Dutter. Most suitors will steer clear of a long face, even if it's pretty, leaving you free to be the hero of her day. 'It could be that the girl is just having a bad night and meeting you could be the thing that turns her night around,' Dutter says.

Statistically speaking, education may also mark out a woman as a worthwhile target. According to Shane Mooney, author of Useless Sexual Trivia, 'Women with a PhD are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a bachelor's degree.'

So, to recap, you're looking for a moody, average-looking intellectual, the female equivalent of Jeremy Paxman, if you like. Better make that next one a double...

With sex it's not just what you do but where you do it

Location, location, location...
With sex, like property, it's not just what you do but where you do it. Sarah guides us around our very own house of fun.

The lounge
Likely to leave the chandelier swinging for a week, the most effective sex aid to be found in the lounge is almost certainly your home entertainment centre.

'For Women' magazine surveyed its readers and asked whether viewing matter, traditionally fuel for male fantasy, had ever succeeded to arouse. The answer was a resounding yes, yes, YES!

Chester based reader Kirsty, 25, claimed to be inspired after seeing Susan Sarandon wake James Spader with an oral alarm call in the movie White Palace. "It seemed like such a good idea, I tired it on my boyfriend and he liked it."

A second film fan, Mandy, 28, from Leicester, preferred the sexual mind games played in Dangerous Liaisons because they were "so cruel and so seductive".

Danger
Paradoxically, your ally in the lounge of love may also turn out to be your enemy, if you're from the North. A recent Hitachi Home Electronics Report revealed that more than a quarter of Northern lasses found watching TV more satisfying than sex.

Women's sex fantasies are wilder than ours!

Most of us men think about sex every minute of every day. Our fantasies are wild and uninhibited, maybe then that's why a lot of happily married men like to visit working girls to get that little bit extra. We fear humiliation and gruesome handbag injuries if we ask for those little extra bits at home.

Well it seems that Sarah has found things to be a little different when it comes to female fantasies, having hacked into the minds of thousands of female readers on the Cosmopolitan's website.

Her results are laid out to below...

Tie me up
A submissive 70% of women are happy to be bound and even more said they'd like to tie a man down. But before you slip off to the nearest DIY store, you should be aware of the fact that most women require the backdrop of a loving, trusting relationship before being gift wrapped.

Yes, there's a catch. You must approach this issue only with long-suffering girlfriends - because your chances of a first-date bondfest are as slim as Emile Heskey's chances of scoring a hat-trick in a World Cup Final.

Short back and sides
The new in vogue 'Hollywood' - a new barely-there hairdo for down under is the in thing for women at present. Women are voluntarily heading for hair-removal salons to pay for this punishment.

So it's little wonder then that 50% of women would gladly let you give them a free of charge short back and sides down below. To ensure a repeat performance invest in talcum powder, an apricot scrub and a set of 100% cotton knickers to soothe your ladies inevitable seven-day itch.

Role play
Dressing up is a woman's sport. It helps if the outfits you desire make her feel sexy (rubber catsuits, uniforms), as opposed to weird (gas masks, nappies). Flattering her body will inject the necessary amount of confidence required for fitting, and of course offering to pick up the tab on shopping trips helps too.

Lights, camera, action...
When you suggest taking sexy photos, the first thing your woman thinks is 'Will I look fat?' Your job is to convince her she's not. Flattery will get you everywhere so lay it on thick and half of all ladies will eventually give in.

33% of women said they'd feel better about a frisky photo shoot if it was a spontaneous event. So while these sessions require planning (soft lighting and pre-loaded black and white film so she knows the shots will be flattering), she mustn't think you planning them.

Three's a crowd, or is it?
Only 1 in 30 women said they'd ever consider letting another woman into their marital bed. Even then, saying it is one thing, going through with it is another. Most women who have found themselves in a triple love tryst have done so when extremely inebriated and then regretted it.

Tread carefully guys. The fact that you want to sleep with another woman is hard to swallow. But there is a way round this. Start by convincing her that sampling new goods isn't the issue for you. It helps if she's fantasized about sleeping with other women herself, then you can suggest a threesome would be all about making her dreams come true.

Blue review
You may think women don't like watching porn. The truth is women don't like their men watching porn. Why? Because we rightly assume you froth over the blonde, golf pin waisted, hefty-breasted 'actresses' that star in them.

Share the moment and all will be well. Here are three rules to harbouring porn.

1) Hiding pornography is something you should only do when you live with your mother
2) If you treat us like your mothers, we'll act like them
3) Forget 1 and 2 if your collection induces headaches or nausea and rent a private lock-up!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Pay attention, you may learn from her ex... (Part II)

Check out Sarah's guide for all the right moves, and hopefully you'll succeed in out performing your girlfriends ex :)

1. Face
Focusing on her face makes her think you're interested in her mind as well as her body. Trace a finger around her features to give the impression you're all adoring, then kiss her nose and forehead. This will impart feelings of warmth and security to the young lady, a result you should immediately take advantage of.

2. Breasts
Nipple play is all well and good, but excessive attention can lead to numbness. Instead of focussing on the spare thumb areas in isolation, glide over them occasionally as you segue into full upper-body massage.

3. Stomach
Tragically the abdomen is also a neglected area, but by stimulating her here without any immediate gratification for yourself you show you're not as selfish as the last man to share her sack.

Try this tummy trick: follow the line between the naval and the pubic hair line with your tongue or use a gentle circular massage motion to send ripples down south.

4. Knees
The frankly startling effect of the 'Richard Fish knee-pit trick' (as seen in Ally McBeal) is a little much to hope for. By paying attention to those areas of the body usually uncharted shows you're willing to explore. So go stroking and licking the back of her knees where no man has gone before, and of course she'll remember you for it.

5. Toes
Sucking ladies' foot fingers may be popular in China, but for a country with chicken's feet on the menu anything would seem like an improvement. Western women are less than keen, so if you really want to pamper her plates of meat and get one over on her previous partner, splash some cash in a shoe shop. Shodding, not sucking, is the correct foot etiquette.

Pay attention, you may learn from her ex...

It's hard to say, but women rarely talk to men about what they want in the bedroom. Why should you have to worry whether she's looking at you and thinking of someone else? It's not on!

To find out what they really want, Sarah applied her charm (including several bottles of alcohol) to persuade women to tell us what they missed most about sex with their ex. It's time to take notes guys, and remember: don't be second best in future...

Kelly 28, PR Manager:
"My boyfriend approaches oral sex like he's going through the motions. My ex had a whole repertoire."

"My favourite was when he did it from behind. He had a knack of massaging my cheeks in an inward circular motion at the same time - it really did make all the difference."

Michelle 26, Sales Executive:
"Sex can be amazing when you're not expecting it, especially if there's a chance you might get caught. Me and my ex were at a friend's wedding when we said he wanted me there and then."

"He wouldn't take no for an answer, and we ended up having a quickie behind the stage curtains in the disco room before the guests arrived. It only happen once but I can't get it out of my mind."

"Unfortunately my latest squeeze isn't that spontaneous. I'll drop hints and he'll threaten to accost me, but the truth is he just doesn't have the balls."

Jo 20, Student:
"I'm open to trying new things, but one night I was having sex with my ex and he inserted a finger where the sun doesn't shine. I freaked out but he was very gentle and kept telling me to relax."

"Once I had, I really enjoyed it. I wouldn't suggest it to my current boyfriend, he'd think I was a dirty bitch."

Julie 30, Solicitor:
"John used to use a vibrator on my clit during sex. When we split I kept the vibrator but when I tired to introduce the idea to my new boyfriend he got really offended."

"The subjects closed now, but I still masturbate with it, and can't help but think of John."

Debbie 24, Waitress:
"I had a one night stand with a man who ordered me to stand naked in the middle of the room. Then he moved around me, gently touching my bum and between my legs, then he went down on me while I was still standing up. It was the best orgasm of my life"

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Master the basics and she'll go potty in your hands

Her neck
'An erogenous map of the woman's body would show that her sensual feeling is more diffused than that of a typical male,' says sex therapist Anne Hooper. 'The peaks of her sexual sensations will correspond to those of a man, but her neck and shoulders are more likely to be erotically sensitive.'

Hooper recommends stroking, licking and nibbling the area, but another immensely effective technique is orally stimulating the nape of her neck while informing her that this is what you'd like to do downstairs, we refer of course to her lower areas, not the lounge!

Her foot
Take one of her feet in your hands and use your thumb to massage the base of the second smallest toe. According to the rules of reflexology, this is guaranteed to put her in the mood.

Next, move to the middle of the foot, alternating between long, short and circular strokes paying special attention to the heel itself, the nerves here reportedly lead directly to her pearly gates and if this works, consider yourself a keyholder.

Things she hates in bed!

Us women have it easy when it comes to sex. To score perfect points all we need do is turn up and say those magic words - 'Yes'. Men, however, have to complete a complex assault course, navigating the dos and don'ts while ensuring your baton never drops.

To help you on the way, here's my list of bedtime crimes women insist you do not commit.

Never Smell
Excess cologne, lager breath, armpits like a landfill site... It's hard for a woman to stay aroused while she's holding her nose and retching.

Never sleep
Until she does. And then you can snore your head off without disturbing her.

Never slap behind without invitation
Most woman have strong feelings one way or another regarding spanking. Some love a bit of playful reprimanding, others think booty-whacking should only ever be practiced on horses and mischievous children. These woman are likely to hit back.

Never let one go
Physiologically, men enjoy wind - it's to do with testosterone levels - but you will never, ever, convince women that it is funny, natural or anything other than repulsive. Stop it!

Never leave marks
Love bites are bruises with a pretty name, and bruises are not part of sex. Unless you're a very sick man.

Balloon lovers: Are you a popper or a squeezer?

Let's face it, in toady's weird and wacky world anything can be the norm.

What ever the psychology behind fetishes, we are at the mercy of our manias. So if wooden spoons or dinosaurs float your boat, there's no point in keeping quiet about it. Tell the world, and get it out in the open with everyone.

Personally, I'm entertained by balloon lovers like Andrew from Russia who says he's strictly a non-popper, but loves to squeeze.

David from the US, on the other hand, insists on bursting, preferably with a stiletto heel, while his mate Mickey likes women to sit on his balls of fun.

Balloonatics have size preferences too. A straight male wishes to be known as Bboy operates best with 11-inch circumferences, while others say the bigger the better, making Richard Branson the envy of big balloon lovers the world over :)

Fetishes come in all shapes and sizes and if you'd like to explore your prop reliance offline, I suggest you head to a fetish party like Skin Two.

Luckily, you can employ some damage limitation of you're not exactly Brad Pitt and travel in near anonymity if you are.

Opt for a fully clothed fantasy outfit like a vicars outfit, and once you've gained entry, remember it's rude to stare but even ruder not to. So cop yourself an eyeful and claim the role of voyeur.