Friday, January 11, 2008

Q & A: After Nine Months of Nightly Pleasure My Boyfriend Suddenly Says I Suck in Bed!

Q. I'll try to make this as brief and to the point as possible. I have been with my boyfriend for ten months. We moved in for the summer in a camper on his parents' land. We had been having sex for nine months and up until mid-June I believed everything had been good in our sex life. But once we moved in my boyfriend really didn't want to have sex anymore. (It went from at least once a night almost every night to about once every two weeks.) His interest in whacking off never wavered. At last he told me that sex with me had been " bad" from about the second time onward and that he didn't even really want sex that much anymore, that he got more pleasure with less expenditure of energy by masturbating.

I was hurt but I said I was willing to try anything to learn how to be better, he said he didn't know that I could learn to be better but that I shouldn't worry, it didn't change his love for me and that it shouldn't bother me since it doesn't bother him. I can't help it though, I want to please him and to have a good sex life. We were able to experiment so that we learned what was pleasurable for me, I want him to get equal pleasure from me. I asked him about sex therapy but he's really against the idea. Please, if you have any advice on what I could do or where I could learn how to be better in bed I would be indebted to you more than I could repay.

Thank you,

Dear Can't Be that Bad In Bed,

That's just wacky! Not the whacking off part. It's perfectly normal for men and women to masturbate in fully satisfying sexual relationships basically for the reasons stated by your guy it's a quick, self focused, sexual release. However, if masturbation was equally or more pleasurable than sex, we would have gone extinct a long time ago. We find it very disturbing that your boyfriend claims he gains more pleasure from yanking it than from 'nookie'. Equally, his blaming you and being unwilling to try and work on the issue with you is a wienie-tot thing to do. Add to that the timing regarding the move onto his parents property and his lack of concern for the situation.... we say RUN! Run far and run fast!!!!!!! This relationship is heading in a very bad direction.

After you've removed yourself from this crappy ordeal, realize that you are not a bad lover. Anyone that's satisfied enough to come back night after night for nine months had to be curling his toes once in a while. Don't let his comments affect your future sexual self image. Obviously this problem is originating with him. Either he's feeling a bit emasculated at having to live in a trailer by his parents or the relationship is feeling too permanent for him and he's tuning out and blaming you. We can't know what's in his head but if he can't peer through his own fog when you offer to work on the problem with him then get the heck out!

Finally, we congratulate you for being a GREAT LOVER! Why are we so sure you are?!? Because you're willing to work on the sex in your relationship. You're ready to address whatever your partner's needs are that aren't being met and that's the best lover of all. Remember people, half the reason we climb in the sack with someone is to pleasure them!

Q & A: My Sweetie Wants Me to Buy Some Ben Wa Balls But Do They Really Work?

Q. Can you enlighten us regarding Ben Wa balls? Their history, usefulness, proper way to use, etc.? My sweetie wants to buy me some, but I tried them once years ago and as I recall it was a big, fat nothing. Do they really work (And how?) or are they overrated and just another gimmick that has lasted longer than most?


Dear Pretty much On the Money,

Ben Wa Balls are supposedly an invention of the orient where women would supposedly fill hollow ivory balls with mercury and enjoy the little gems rolling around in their twats. Given the now known health effects of exposure to mercury, we're surprised anyone survived long enough to pass on the Ben Wa practice. In their current product incarnation, the metal balls of course do not contain anything much less poisonous mercury. There are some other balls on the market, Duotone balls, that are plastic tied together with a string and contain a smaller metal ball within to supposedly create a rolling around stimulation. There is a news group called that is supposed to include anecdotes about these devices however we don't read the news groups so give it a shot yourself. The proper way to use these two sexual toys is to insert then into the vagina and go about your normal activities, enjoying the pleasures they provide.

That's were the problem arises. Most women who try these round promises are quickly disappointed. They find no sexual stimulation whatsoever and annoyling enough, if they happen to sneeze in the bank line, a ball may come flying out clanking along the floor, causing a bomb scare. The Ben Wa debate breaks down into two camps. As we've already mentioned, the women that say this is bogus crap taking advantage of under orgasmed women, and those that say the Western ideal of sexual stimulation is as overdone as the rest of our culture. They say Ben Wa balls are not the equivalent of vibrating dildos designed to provide fast and huge orgasms but rather a tool to help women get in touch with the subtle feelings of their vagina. The main problem proponents of Ben Wa balls say is the source of women's dissatisfaction, is their use if tampons. They state, and possibly with some merit, that the use of tampons desensitizes women to the same subtle vaginal sensations that the balls are supposed to get them in touch with.

Our opinion is try them again if you want to. They're pretty cheap and given this new knowledge you may find they do what the pro Ben Wa people say they're supposed to. However, don't let your 'sweetie' push you into using them. You know your vagina and your past experience with Ben Wa better than he does.

Q & A: I Lied to my Boyfriend About Being a Virgin but Now I May Have an STD!?

Q. I am 20 years old and have been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year now. When we met I found out that he was a virgin and so I lied to him and told him I was too. The thing is, I have slept with about 7 other guys beside him and not all of them were protected. I recently discovered a small bump on the upper part of my cervix and I fear that I may have contracted a disease during my past relationships. How can I tell my boyfriend I was not a virgin, I lied to him, and I may have a disease? If I do have something he has it too because sadly I took his virginity. I just don't know what to do. I fear he'll consider me a slut.


Been around the block a few times

Dear Lying Slut,

What would your boyfriend think is worse? Lying to him about being a virgin or telling him up front that you've had sex with " about seven other guys" . Well it doesn't matter anymore cause when you tell him he'll think you're a liar and a slut. You slut! You liar! You lying little slut! Just kidding. Relax a little.

We understand why you initially told your boyfriend you were a virgin. Before we consider the less probable possibilities of him finding out you were not, lets deal with this more imminent problem. If you do have an STD, then you have no other option than to come clean with your Bo' as he, more than likely, has contracted it from you and unless he's a lying slut like you, will conclude that you are a lying slut. So first step is get tested! No whining about insurance and all that. Just check out STD clinic locator. Drag your bumpy cootchy down there and find out if you're Typhoid Mary!

Now, you can make what is called an informed decision, which is more than your boyfriend had. If you are positive for something (it would have to be Herpes to pop up after a year) then you have no choice. Time to spill your guts, crying might help, and tell him the whole truth. Also take this opportunity to give him his little appointment card for the STD clinic as he will need to be tested and treated as well. If you are not positive then you have an option. You can choose not to tell him and take your chances he never finds out, like, at your wedding reception when some old friend has too many and starts telling stories about the time you were doing it in the dorm laundry room on top of a washer with too many sneakers in it. The other side of this is finding an opportune time to tell him you had indeed been with other men before him but that you adore him and of course had an STD check to make sure you would not give him anything and of course it was clean. The emphasis no matter what you do is to let him know you only lied about not being a virgin because you were so attracted to him you didn't want to turn him off. Good Luck.

Q & A: Is There Any Reason I Shouldn't Use a Tootsie Pop to Penetrate My Girlfriend?

Q. I have a question for you that I don't know where else I can get an answer. My girlfriend and I have a great sex life and we like to play, especially orally. Recently, we were fooling around and I took a tootsie pop I had and rubbed it all over her clit & outside of her box before I went down on her, it drove her wild and I loved the taste of her now grape flavored pussy. My question is: is there any danger or reason why I couldn't use one to penetrate her? It might be a great way to get to her " g" spot (which by the way DOES exist) a reply would be most appreciated.


Dear Tootsie Popper,

This is, for the most part, good safe fun. A few things to keep in mind, however. Before you start jamming that little confectionery dildo in your girlfriend, first make sure all sharp edges have been licked dull and remember that as those little air pockets are exposed then more edges come up. You know what we mean. You've experienced the same thing while trying to get to that chocolate center. Checking the candy for these sharp edges with your mouth every once in a while will help protect that 'little man in the boat'. Also remember to take it easy in general as the vaginal walls are not made of denim. Keep up this kind of imaginative sex play and you might end up in The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices.

Our main concern though is the sugar that will be placed into the vaginal environment. Make an effort not to leave the tootsie pop, or the sticky leftover juice, in there too long, as that much sugar can change the bacterial balance of the vagina. What's that you say, " There's no bacteria in my girlfriend. She's clean!" ? Well there's naturally occurring bacteria in there which are good bacteria that keep bad bacteria from growing. That extra dose of sugar can give the bad guys extra food to take over. Lastly, don't fucking lose that chocolaty chewy center up there!

Q & A: My Wife Fondles Me For Hours and My Balls Start to Ache

Q. This is a bit odd and I'm not sure if I'm danger of anything at all. but... My wife gives me an erection and just keeps it up by fondling it for hours on end at places we cant really do much sexually just to tease me. if this goes on for too long one (L or R) or both of my testicles swell up to nearly twice its size and really really hurt, I also get a sore gut, the only thing that takes away the pain is squeezing the inflamed sack really hard, it eventually goes away after about 2 hours but its a real annoyance. do I have more serious problems than I realize? My mate had an inflamed ball once and he went to the doctor and they said it was twisted and cut him open and fixed him. I don't think its cancer because they're perfectly normal unless this event of extended foreplay is used. what shall I do?

-Meat Saber

Dear Grizzle Toothpick,

The only serious problem you have is 'Blue Balls'. Yup, it is a real condition.The basic physiology behind blue balls is, during sexual stimulation, the male's genitals become engorged with blood, including the testicles. Prolonged stimulation, as in hours, results in the scrotum getting to the point of actually squeezing the testicles which hurts. Now many sites have incorrectly defined this as Epididymitis. Epididymitis is an actual infection of the epididymis which can't be caused by your wife fondling you under the table as you dine with your parents. In the immortal words of "Doctor. It hurts when I do this." , DON'T DO THAT! Stop letting your wife perform this hours long teasing activity and/or stop letting yourself get so turned on by it that you swell your balls. You don't need to squeeze your balls for hours to alleviate the pain as it will subside by itself in a couple of hours anyway. What you can do is take the proverbial cold shower which will reduce the swelling. *Note* Ladies (and some guys), DO NOT let some schmuck talk you into sex with blue balls as an excuse. Just tell them not to get so excited cause they're not getting any no matter what. As to your mate, hell, given the British medical system, he's lucky he still has his balls.

Q & A: Our New 'Jelly' Butt Plug Causes a Burning Sensation

My wife and I enjoy anal stimulation during various sexual activities. We recently purchased a vibrating " jelly" butt plug (made by Ben Wa Novelties Corp.) and would be enjoying it EXCEPT for the VERY intense burning sensation we both get shortly after insertion. This occurs regardless of whether the vibrator is turned on or not. We washed it thoroughly after unpacking it and after each attempted use, but the problem remains. This has not happened with sex toys made from other materials.

Can you explain this?

Dear Ouchy,

We can explain anything. We might not be right but it'll sound good. First we're going to scold you for buying cheap, inferior sex toys. " Jelly" butt plugs and 'dildos' that are not made from silicone are porous and cannot be completely cleaned. Why is this particular toy causing a burning sensation? No idea, but you should just toss it and buy a silicone toy. We can recommend two online quality toy stores Good Vibrations and Toys in Babeland. If you're not willing to throw it away, you should only use cheap, porous, "jelly" products with a new condom on it each time. If you continue to have this unusual burning you should of course go to your doctor and tell him the truth. Your good health is more important than any embarrassment you may feel.

Q & A: How Do We Have Sex Covered in Baby Oil Without the Mess?

Q. I am currently in a relationship with a guy in which we've been trying new things. The problem is, I am pretty shy when it comes to sex -- so I have a hard time suggesting things, but so far I have been willing to try pretty much anything he comes up with. I think it would be fun to have sex covered in baby oil (or something similar), but I have a few questions about it. First of all, it would be messy and probably ruin the sheets, right? We could take them off, but then what about ruining the mattress? So do you have suggestions for keeping the mess to a minimum? Second, is Baby Oil petroleum based? If it is, what else could we use that wouldn't be a danger for condom breakage? And finally, this is the hardest one of all, how can I get HIM to suggest it, because, damn, if I'm not too prudish to do it myself?

Sincerely Wants to Slip and Slide

Dear Great Idea!,

Fortunately for you we have the patent on the Slip and Slide Technique, but this is going to take a little planning on your part so there's no room for your British-like uptightness. Let's start with the slippery stuff. You're absolutely right that a petroleum based product like baby oil (or Vaseline) will bust a condom before the third pump! So go to the store and get yourself several industrial sized tubes of simple water based lubricant like K-Y but you can buy the cheaper generic with no worries. The best thing about this type of lubricant is if it gets sticky or dry a little water will bring it back to life. We suggest having a water mister on hand like your average spray bottle to bring back the slip if need be.

Now to the sheets. Yup. Great fantasy but ' what about my frigging mattress the next day!' Easily solved. You can thank all those bed-wetters out there for the existence of vinyl mattress covers. Think about that! Put one of those puppies on your bed and you're ready to slip and slide more than you could ever want. What's that you say? You're not only a prude but a cheapskate? No Problem, buy a few rolls of the cheapest Saran Wrap type stuff you can find and mummify your mattress. You should wrap it once lengthwise and then another time width wise. For clean-up simply take a pair of scissors and cut along the side of the mattress, ball it all up and toss it!

That's all you need. As to getting your boyfriend to bring up the idea, give us a break! You're an individual in this relationship, ACT LIKE ONE! Your man will certainly appreciate this love scenario so don't be bashful. Just make sure you've allowed enough play time to make the effort worthwhile. If your boyfriend is expecting a quickie then all that prep time will be wasted. Arrange for a nice long slippery night of love making and our patented Slip and Slide will be in your toy chest for a long time!

Q & A: My sex drive had dropped off dramatically

Q. I have a serious back condition which is resulting in surgery at the end of July. To help with my pain I am currently taking Percocet,soma and Tylenol 4's. The problem I am having is my sex drive had dropped off dramatically. I really enjoy sex and my hubby of 6 years is a wonderful lover. I am just having a very hard time getting sexually aroused. When we do make love it is virtually impossible for me to have am orgasm no matter what he tries. It is very frustrating for me because I can't even masturbate myself to orgasm. I haven't had an orgasm in months and I'm about to go crazy!! When we make love it feels very good and I get the feeling that I want to have an orgasm, but it seems like that extra " oomph" is just not there in my clitoris to get me over the edge. I talked to my doctor, but he doesn't really have any advice for me. I know its my medication, but is there anything you can suggest to try to make it a little easier for me to get aroused enough to have an orgasm?? I'm really at a loss, and feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing. I know you're busy, but would love some advice. Thanks so much....

Frustrated in N.H. J.P.

P.S. I've tried my vibrator, but it doesn't really help...

Dear Numb,

Of course it's your medication! You're on enough painkillers to drop a water buffalo!! Now you have a deeper understanding of the expression, " There's a fine line between pleasure and pain." We're surprised that when you talked to your doctor neither of you broached the subject of a med-holiday. That would be going off all or some of your painkillers for a day or so for the purpose of having sex. Don't do this on our advice though. Talk to your doctor about it first.You may have to resign yourself to your situation until after the surgery and healing process. Face it. You've got a back injury serious enough to require surgery. You're temporarily broken. Accept this, if for no other reason to cut down on one more anxiety in your life right now. Just remind yourself you'll be back to your same old 'shagging' shape in no time.

Q & A: Piercing makes oral sex much better for the recipient?

Q. I have heard many people saying that when a man or woman gets his or her tongue pierced, it makes oral sex much better for the recipient. I have been thinking about getting this done, for the look, if anything. However, if this will heighten my partner's sexual experience, that adds yet another reason for me to get it done. So, does it make oral sex better?


Dear George,

Everyone that's known someone who got their tongue pierced has heard the same story. They think they are suddenly the Olympic Gold Medallist of oral sex! Of course no one can make them prove it at the time as ' it has to heal first' . Personally, we have never had mind blowing oral from someone with a pierced tongue and in fact, when the piercee thinks that little barbell is all they need to use, it gets rather boring watching them try and use their toy alone, waiting for the moans of ' oh yes'. Face it! If you don't give good oral, that hunk of metal is not going to make a pooper worth of difference. Brush up on your skills. For those that are pierced and feel they are good mouth lovers, we found some cute toys called tongue ticklers to put on that barbell but don't count on these to make you the Mark Spitz of mouth sex. Just to let you know, if you're prone towards performing cunnilingus you should place your piercing towards the front of your tongue and if your focus is fellatio you should place your piercing towards the back of the tongue. Good luck.