Thursday, October 9, 2008

Q & A: My husband refuses to kiss or hug

My husband refuses to kiss or hug. What can I do? I need hugs and kisses!
-- xoxox

dear xoxox,
Don't we all! Hugs and kisses, also known as cuddling, are necessary in any relationship. They create closeness and intimacy in a way that differs from other activities you share, including having sex and making love. It is, however, a common female complaint that male partners don't show enough physical affection.

To remedy this situation, it's time to have a serious discussion with your spouse. He needs to know how important hugs and kisses are to you. *Please don't take this lightly, or ignore my suggestion because hugs and kisses don't seem like a serious enough problem about which to make an "issue."* It's incredibly important to your relationship that you get the type and amount of affection and caring that you need.

When you bring up the subject with your husband, make sure that you don't accuse him of being a terrible lover or put him on the defensive in any way. Start by letting him know all the things that you think are great about him and your marriage. Then move into the heart of the discussion by saying that the only thing missing that would make your relationship perfect is more cuddling (hugs and kisses).

Then ask him why he's not interested. Is it because one of you has bad breath? Did he have a bad experience with kissing? Does he simply not enjoy hugging and kissing? Does he think it's silly? Once you find out the root of the problem, it becomes much easier to find a mutually agreeable solution.

Now comes the compromise. Ask him if there's something that he thinks has been missing in your relationship. Would he like more time to hang out with his buddies or perhaps more oral sex? Give him the space to articulate whatever he desires; no judgments on your part. This will allow him to be an equal player with some negotiating power.

Okay, it's easy now. He gives you some of what you want, you give him some of what he wants, and everyone's happy!

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