Thursday, October 9, 2008

Q & A: We both like oral sex, but she only likes to receive and not to give

My girlfriend and I get along fine except for one thing. We both like oral sex, but she only likes to receive and not to give. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy to give at any time -- it's just that I'm the only one giving. I've tried going slowly and working my way up to getting her in the mood to give, but she says she just doesn't feel right about it. It's slowly driving me crazy, because my previous girlfriend loved to give oral sex and I guess I became spoiled. I really do love my girlfriend, but I don't understand how she has no problem receiving but can't give at all. Can you help me convince her?

-- one way street

dear one way street,
Glad to hear that you and your girlfriend are getting along fine... because this negotiation is going to take a lot of work. First off, you can't convince anyone to do something that she doesn't want to do. It's called manipulation. Even if you could convince her, she'd end up doing it out of guilt or resentment, and believe Delilah, both of those spoil the mood!

So, what can you do? You need to have a frank discussion with your girlfriend -- but not in bed! At a time when you're both pretty happy and feeling relaxed, bring up the subject of your sex life. Tell her about the things she does that really turn you on and how great you think you're getting along. Then, begin to tell her how the non-reciprocation of oral sex is starting to bother you. Rather than put her on the defensive, tell her what you like about receiving oral sex. Then ask her what it is about the act that she doesn't like. Ask her to be very specific -- not just that she doesn't feel right about it.

Is it the taste? The feeling of a penis in her mouth? Was she forced to perform oral sex on a man in the past? Does she have religious or some other taboos against oral sex? You have to find out exactly what her objections are before you two can remedy the situation.

If she was forced by a man to perform oral sex when she was younger, it would be wise for her to see a counselor for a few visits to deal with the experience. See Sexuality Resources for more information on sex therapists and hotline numbers. You can also remind her gently that you are a different person than the one who forced her, and that you would never do that to her.

If it's about taboos against oral sex, it falls on you to debunk the myths she's living with. Some of the more common "ideas" about fellatio are that it's worthless because it's not for procreation and that it's just plain dirty. It will take some serious discussion to break down any of her stereotypes that have been built up over time.

If it's purely a physical thing (i.e. she just doesn't like it), it's time for you to become her teacher. Many women feel out of control when giving head. Have her try using her hand to guide your penis into her mouth. That way, she can be in control of when, how far, and how fast your penis will move. Also, you can try different positions: for example, with you on your knees, lying down with her on top, etc., to find one where she feels comfortable. You will have to experiment together to see what works for you. Most importantly, you'll have to be willing to forego the act at times if your girlfriend is really uncomfortable.

Hopefully, you two will come to some mutual agreement about giving and getting....pleasing and being pleasured. If you can work out this one, you'll be able to work out most anything you're faced with in the future! Good luck!

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