Thursday, October 9, 2008

Q & A: Whenever we kiss it's like a tongue war!

I've started dating this guy, and whenever we kiss it's like a tongue war! He just tries to stick his tongue as far down my throat as possible, and I have to fight it off with my tongue! How do I tell him I'd like him to chill out without hurting his feelings?
-- no kiss-ey


dear no kiss-ey,
Sounds to Delilah like you're more no tongue-y than no kiss-ey. Listen, everyone has different styles in bed, as we do in our everyday lives. Think about the guy who you started dating only to find out later that he chews with his mouth open--or calls his mother three times a day. The best strategy is to approach the problem directly, as soon as possible. There's no way he can know that you don't like his deep kissing unless you tell him.

Make sure you're ready before you broach the subject. Aim for a neutral moment. (That means not before, during, or after sex!) Start slowly by telling him how much you like him, enjoy his company, etc. Let him know that you really like kissing, especially kissing him (here it comes....) but, that when he kisses you deeply with his tongue, it's not pleasurable for you. Or tell him it puts you on the defensive, or makes you feel like the beginnings of a tongue war, or makes you gag. Use your own words to let him know exactly what happens when he wages tongue battles. Once he understands the problem, give him some alternatives. Better yet, show him how you like to be kissed. Most likely, any bad feelings in the air will then change immediately.

Hopefully, he's a guy who likes to be taught, and you two can agree on a mode of kissing that works for both of you. If not, you have to make a decision. Is he so great that you can deal with the tongue wars? Or does it bother you so much that you don't think you can pursue the relationship? You have to give him a chance first, though, so have that conversation real soon, and see what happens!

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